There are no hard and fast rules about how long it should take to move on after a breakup. Everyone is different. Sometimes friends and family may mean well when they tell you to ‘get back out there’ but in reality, they may be depriving you of the opportunity to get your head around everything that has happened.

This time to regroup and sort everything out is very important, if it’s done right. It’s not about wallowing in ‘what if’s’ or stalking your ex, or spending weeks on the couch convinced that your life is over. If you spend this time analyzing the relationship, good and bad, try to figure out honestly where you went wrong, you’ll stand a much better chance of being able to move on with minimal baggage.

Now, no one is saying that you’ll be able to look at things logically and clearly in a few weeks. In most cases it will take a month, or months, to get enough distance to be able to start deconstructing where the relationship went wrong, and that is one of the reasons you don’t need to rush the ‘moving on’ stage.

On the other hand, you should be making at least small, consistent strides forward after a month or so. If not, you may need some extra help. If you’re just not moving on, even in baby steps, you should seek help. The same thing holds true if you find yourself engaging in self destructive behavior such as having sex with anyone you can find or drinking too much.

Don’t think of this as being a sign of weakness, as a matter of fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It takes enormous amounts of strength and courage to admit you have a problem and ask for help.

If you are doing o.k. on your own than one of the things you should be doing is spending time doing positive things with positive people. Most of us have that one friend who seems to be able to make us laugh no matter what is going on in our world. Spend time with that person.

It’s also a good idea to rediscover yourself, those parts you put on hold when you were with your partner. Those things you like to do but didn’t do because your partner didn’t want to do them. Now is the time to re acquaint yourself with those activities.

Breakups suck, I’m sorry but there’s just no polite way to say it. The nice thing is that if you approach it the right way, you can find constructive ways of dealing with relationship break up that might not only help you move on a little more quickly, but that also might help you out in your next relationship.

One thing I always tell people is a good relationship starts with you.  It may seem odd but most people look to their partner when they are trying to find or fix a relationship. If you start with you, you’ll have a much better chance of having the kind of relationship we all dream of.

You see that nothing dooms a relationship, or dooms you to choosing the wrong person, more than being insecure.  True, we all have insecurities but some of us have more, or deeper ones, than others.

If you want to find someone who is confidant and willing and able to treat their partner with love, respect and friendship than you have to be someone who is confidant and can treat your partner with love respect and friendship.

If you are insecure you will only attract insecure people to you. In this scenario it usually goes a little like this: you have a woman who doesn’t feel really good about herself. Maybe she’s a little overweight or maybe she’s beautiful but has just had too many people undermine her sense of self so she doesn’t believe it.

What kind of man do you think she will attract? A confidant successful man or an insecure buffoon who always acts like he has something to prove? You guessed it, the buffoon.

That’s because a confidant man would get bored with her neediness and insecurities. Those aren’t attractive traits. An insecure man, on the other hand, would love to have a beautiful woman on his arm that he can boss around. It makes him feel like a big man, he can brag to his friends, etc.

So if you want to have someone worthwhile in your life, you have to become someone confidant enough to ‘demand’ that.  It might even take some counseling but it’s worth investing the time in yourself.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. My first marriage was to an insecure man like I described above. I was unsure of myself and he took every opportunity he could find to reinforce my insecurities.

After that disaster ended I took some time for me. I became the woman I always wanted to be. And of course, I still have some insecurities, but they’re minor and they don’t rule who I am. Now I’m in a fantastic relationship and I can honestly say that my spouse truly is my best friend and always has my back.

So if you’re asking: “how do I save my relationship?”  you may just find that you have to save yourself first.

Of course, we want all the relationships we enter into to be healthy, not just the romantic ones. We want good relationships with friends, families, children, siblings, etc, but for the purpose of this article I’m going to concentrate on the romantic variety of relationships (though much of this advice will work for other types of relationships too),

People make a lot of mistakes on their quest for love. They overlook very obvious signs of trouble in the beginning. Its’ much easier to end a relationship when you start to see signs that the person you’re involved with isn’t really right for you, early in the relationship. The further the relationship progresses, and the deeper the feelings become, the harder it is to end things.

That’s why it’s so important to take off the blinders right from the start. Now, a word of caution, you can’t get too caught up on every little thing and set your expectations so high that you’re being unreasonable either. No one is perfect, not even you. The trick is to find someone as close to your definition of perfect as possible.

Someone who lies, especially early in the relationship when everyone is supposed to be on their best behavior, should be a deal breaker. Someone who is always a few minutes late, while annoying, might be something you will be able to overlook if everything else is wonderful.

You do have to pick and choose, just like they will have to do with you and your foibles. The point is that things that are a sign of a serious character flaw such as lying, cheating, or being abusive are not the kinds of things that should be overlooked. More often than not, these traits tend to get worse with familiarity which means the longer the two of you are together, the worse things will probably become.

So the next time that ‘great’ new guy you just met makes a ‘joke’ about how fat you’re getting you really need to stop and think. If his ‘jokes’ bother you, tell him. The way he responds will tell you all you need to know. If he sincerely apologizes for hurting your feelings and follows that apology up by not doing it anymore he was probably really just making a joke and meant no harm.

But if he turns it around on you and blames you for being ‘too sensitive’ and then continues to do it over and over again (or some variation thereof) he’s an abusive person and you should kick him to the curb before it goes any further.

There is a lot of information available on how to find and have  healthy relationships, and a lot of it can be helpful. But in the end, you’ll have to rely on your own common sense and if you don’t ignore the warning signs early on you’ll greatly increase your chances of finding someone who can make you happy for the long haul.

I’ve often said that we all know what the issues are in our relationship. We just don’t want to face them so we push those unpleasant truths so far down that they just don’t seem real anymore.

We convince ourselves that we were wrong and the reason our relationship is bad isn’t because our boyfriend is a nasty drunk. We tell ourselves the real problem is that he has a bad leg and is in a lot of pain, or that he’s under a lot of stress at work, etc. In other words, we lie to ourselves.

The best love life advice I can give you is to be brutally honest with yourself. Stop lying to yourself and face the truth. I tell that to my sister all the time. The guy I described above is her boyfriend. She calls me at least once a week complaining about some nasty thing he has said or done. It gets old.

I’ve told her that she has two choices: she can kick his useless ass to the curb or she can shut up and accept him for what he is (which isn’t much!).  Sorry to sound so harsh, but that’s really all there is in many cases.

Now, true, sometimes good people and good relationships just run into trouble. But in my experience with my friends I have to say that to me it looks more like they’ve just picked the wrong person for the wrong reason and don’t want to face it.

Sometimes counseling can help. It’s going to depend on how committed each of you is to working things out. It’s very likely that you are both going to hear things about yourself that you may not want to hear, if you’re not totally committed to the process you’ll shut down once that happens.

In a lot of cases though, you really need to face the cold hard truth that you may not be with the right person. On the surface that may sound like a tragedy but I have to ask you, do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship that is loving and kind? To really be with someone who you like and trust completely? It’s sad but I know a lot of people don’t honestly know what that’s like.

If you don’t know what that’s like you are doing yourself a big disservice clinging to a bad relationship. You might just be able to find real happiness, I know I did and it wasn’t with my ex. That is the best love life advice I’ve got!

It never ceases to amaze me when people are on the phone with their spouse how they’ll end the conversation with a casual ‘love you too’. I’m not saying that’s bad, but I am saying that this ‘habit’ is just one example of how we think that we’re telling our partner how we feel when we’re really not.

It’s way too easy to say what you’re expected to say with no real meaning behind the words. We all do it. That is at the basis for poor communication skills in a relationship. If I asked one hundred people if they talk to their spouse as openly and candidly as they do their best friend, I’ll bet around 90 of them would say ‘no’.

That’s because many of us just hold our tongue because we don’t want to rock the boat. If things are going well you don’t want to bring up uncomfortable subjects and ruin the good mood. And if things are going bad you’ve got enough to deal with without bringing up more issues. So the ‘bad’ things never get talked about.

Or at least they never get talked about until you’re really angry at your spouse and then it all comes out like a tsunami and your spouse is likely feeling a little blindsided. I think we’ve all been guilty of doing that at one time or another.

It’s important for the two of you to be able to talk to each other in a safe environment. Your partner has to know that if they want to talk about something that you’re not going to ‘attack’ them. Whether it’s getting mad and yelling, or trying to make them feel guilty because they hurt your feelings. It’s all an attack and it’s all very manipulative. The point is you have to be willing to listen to it all, good and bad.

Of course, the same exact thing holds true for your spouse too. It’s got to be give and take. You should both be willing to listen to the issues the other one has and you should both be able to talk about the issues you have, without being punished by getting the cold shoulder or being yelled at.

Most of this will start with each of you having enough self confidence to not take everything personally. If your spouse tries to talk to you about a problem and all you hear is “you’re not good enough” or “you’re not smart enough” or “I don’t love you” than the issue is with you, not them. Get that fixed first.

Do yourself and your partner a favor, take the time to learn
the skills to effective communication in relationships.

I’m not someone with a fancy degree or a lot of initials behind my name. But I am someone who pays attention and has come to a few conclusions about men. Some of my insights might help clarify these strange beasts. Some of my insights aren’t all that complimentary about these strange beasts, no offense is intended.

I was married for 16 years to a ‘man’. I put the word man in quotes because my ex acted a lot more like a spoiled and scared little boy than what I always thought a man should act like and not because he was a cross dresser, though that might have made him more interesting!

Anyway, my ex was abusive. No, not in the extreme way most people think of when they hear the word abusive, his abuse was a little more subtle than a slap in the face… but just barely. He loved to ridicule me and cut me down in front of  his family. I thought it was more than a little pathetic how he curried favor with his mommy by treating his wife like crap.

After the marriage was over and I had some time to think about things it occurred to me that it wasn’t really about me at all. He was lashing out at me for some insecurities he had (probably related to his mommy, but that’s a whole other article).  So once I realized that he was just fundamentally flawed, and I should never have married him in the first place, things began to make more sense.

It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with me (except the aforementioned shouldn’t have married him part) it’s just that he was so riddled with insecurities and doubt that he had to try to make me feel as bad about myself as he did about himself… and it worked. I felt like the biggest failure as a wife and mother for a long time.

I went to a counselor after my marriage to try and make sense of it all and that’s the conclusion I came to. The fact that he has since remarried (I kid you not, an ex stripper) just reinforces the conclusions I came to. He finally found a woman who had less confidence than he did, a match made in heaven!

The bottom line is this ladies: pick the right guy. That may sound simple, but it’s true. I think most of us can look back on a bad relationship and, if we’re honest with ourselves, realize that there were warning signs from the start. Signs that we chose to ignore. If you don’t ignore the warnings you won’t need any more help understanding men, most of it will just fall into place!

Of course, there are many reasons trust can be lost. Sometimes it’s fairly ‘small’ like when your spouse belittles you in front of others. Other times it can be even worse such as in the case of infidelity. This can be virtually impossible to overcome.

If you’re willing to try, step one is to figure out what you did to break the trust in the first place. Obviously, if it was infidelity that will be pretty clear. But if it was something a little less extreme like ridiculing your partner or making fun of them all the time, it might take some digging to figure out why you felt the need to hurt the one person you’re supposed to love above everyone else.

Sometimes the more subtle betrayals can be a sign of some deep seated resentment against your partner. You need to get to the bottom of that issue to figure out what it is before you can make any kind of change.

If you’ve cheated than you will also need to figure out why. In many cases it’s about a lot more than just being attracted to another person. It’s often a sign that you’re unhappy with your partner and / or a severe character flaw of  yours. Whatever the case may be the first step to trying to rebuild trust with your partner is to identify the problems so that you can fix them so you never repeat your mistake.

It’s going to take a lot to get your partner to trust you again, the last thing you want to do is to repay that trust by hurting them and betraying them again. Before you ask for a second chance you better make darn sure you’re up to the challenge of never betraying them again.

Once you’ve identified the problem and have taken steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again, it’s time to talk to your partner. Explain to them that you’ve been working on yourself and fixing your issues. Ask them for another chance. Even if they say ‘yes’ you have to understand that you’ll essentially be on ‘probation’ for a long time.

You have to be willing to overlook a little paranoia on their part. It’s going to be very difficult for them to completely let their guard down again and it’s likely to take quite a long time before they do. They’ll need to see a lot of proof that you’ve really changed first.

Regaining trust in a relationship will take a lot of time, love and patience. It’s not impossible if both parties are willing to try, but make sure that both of you enter into the process with your eyes wide open and don’t expect a quick fix.

Okay, okay! Your first thought is probably that it sounds counterproductive, distasteful, and there is no way whatsoever that you would ever do such a thing. Those thoughts and feelings are perfectly natural, but what if you were able to win back your ex boyfriend by doing so? Would that change your mind?

Allow me to explain. After breaking up with somebody you still care about, your thoughts are going to be focused on them. You are going to be preoccupied with how you can get them back. And you also know that the longer you wait to patch things up, the better the chances that he will have found somebody new. But what’s really going on?

You need to understand that even though you are apart right now, the chances are very high that your ex boyfriend is still thinking about you. After all, you were a part of his life, and it’s not possible for him to completely remove you from his memory. Furthermore, even if he is dating somebody else, that doesn’t mean his feelings for you are gone. This possibility opens the door to getting back together, so there is no reason for you to panic.

So, before you start trying to track him down to plead your case, take a break and ease off. The best thing you can do is to give him some space and time. He needs some time to sort things out, and you also need to give him some time to start missing you. That will never happen if you keep pestering him.

As soon as you realize that you won’t be contacting your ex right away, it’s time for you to start having a social life again. Go ahead! Get dressed up and go out and have some fun with your friends. This will serve two purposes. One, it will help you keep your mind off your ex. Two, it will give your self-esteem a much needed boost.

When you are going out with friends, stay open to the idea of meeting somebody new. In other words, don’t let the thought of getting your ex boyfriend back prevent you from being happy. feel free to start dating somebody else. However, the key here, is not to use somebody else to make your ex boyfriend jealous. That wouldn’t be cool. Instead, strive to be a happy, well-adjusted person. And over time, your ex boyfriend is sure to take notice. Then, if the opportunity should come up, then you can always get back together.

Love isn’t that easy to kill. It generally either takes a lot of time or something really bad to kill a strong, deep love. Unless you’ve really been a jerk to your girl by treating her bad, hurting her physically or emotionally or cheating on her, there’s a very good chance that she still cares and all you have to do is to remind her of that fact.

If you treated her like crap you should seriously consider talking to someone and getting help. If you cheated on her or abused her you need to face the fact that there is something wrong… with  you. Take some time to get the help you need so that you can be a decent human being. Not only will your girl be more likely to get back with you, but she will be happy she gets back with you instead of regretting her decision to take you back.

If your love has just faded because of neglect, as opposed to out right abuse, it’s generally a lot easier to get it back. In many cases all that needs to be done is to spend some quality, one on one time together. This doesn’t necessarily mean sexually either. A woman needs to feel like you love and appreciate her as a person, not just someone you like to fool around with.

A healthy sex life is great, and most people (men and women) would consider it a very important part of a good relationship, but there are other ways to connect with your girl and you have to make sure you achieve balance in your relationship. Balance your sexual intimacy with your emotional intimacy (a lot of guys seem to really not get this, make sure you’re not one of them).

Spend time doing things that are enjoyable to both of you. Things where you can not only connect with each other but also communicate with each other. Taking a nice long drive in the country where you can talk, taking a walk, playing a round of golf. Whatever. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as the two of you both like to do it and you will both have a chance to talk and be ‘together’. This isn’t the time for group activities.

Spending time together like this is a great way to let her remember the love she once felt for you, a love that is probably still there but it just got a little buried. Don’t make the mistake of thinking these times only have to be a few times a year (think birthdays and Valentines day). The two of you should spend this one on one time together at least a few times a month, if not more.

So, for those guys out there who want to know “will she love me again”, just realize that it is very possible to not only get back what you’ve lost but to make things better than they ever were before. Man up, follow this advice and you’ll make both of you very happy.

One of the biggest things that will determine what you need to do to rekindle your love will be what went wrong in the first place.  Did you treat him badly, cheat on him? If you did one of these more serious things it will take longer and be much harder to regain his love and trust.

If the problems in your relationship are more of a ‘drifting apart’ and not so dire, it may be a little easier to get the lovin’ feeling back. Another thing you should consider is, are you sure he doesn’t still love you?  Just because the two of you are not as close it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t still love you. It could just be that the two of you feel the pressures of day to day life, and not that your love has died.

If you can find a way to spend more, and more meaningful, time with your guy you’ll be able to remind him of the woman you are and why he fell in love with you the fist time you two met. It’s very important to try to spend time together where you don’t discuss work, the kids, your in-laws or any thing else. The two of you need to get into the two of you.

So, what do the two of you do while you’re together?  It doesn’t matter. As long as the two of you do something that both of you enjoy and you do it together. It’s not enough for you to tag along with him when he goes bowling or for him to follow you around the mall. You have to do things that both of you enjoy.

Ideally, this together time won’t be in a large crowd but rather a more one on one setting. If the two of you like to go dancing than so be it, but it’s even better if the two of you like to go some place that’s quiet so you can talk and really get to ‘know each other’ all over again.

If you’ve really made a huge mess of things you may need to find a good counselor who can help you figure out what mistakes you made as well as why you made those mistakes.  If you don’t figure out those things you’re just going to make the same mistakes over again, even if you do get back together.

Look, if you want to know  “will he ever love me again” I can’t answer that question for you, no one can. I can tell you that if you go about it the right way you may be able to regain his love and maybe even make your relationship better than it’s ever  been before.